Missed The Bus On This One

As I was making my way back from the corner shop, struggling with a full bag of White Lightning, frozen pizzas and twenty Mayfair, well, when in Rome and all that, I saw one of Wolverhampton's buses pass by my street.

Shiny

 

Emblazoned on the back of the bus was the slogan “Catch it, ride it, love it.”

No, I am not making this up. Somebody came up with that slogan, it was approved by someone else and then it was slapped up in 5 foot high lettering on the back of buses across Wolverhampton, where everybody could see this moron's handy work. Much like a toddler showing off his latest deposit in the potty.

At this point I could go off on a rant calling for the cull of marketing departments everywhere, making particular reference to certain abusers of the nation's attention spans, but I already did that here.

I did want to know who the hell came up with that slogan, purely so I could do that,internet thing of slinging anonymous vitriol. I googled “Catch it ride it love it” and I came to the twitter page of Travel_WM, which appears to be the twitter page of Travel West Midlands, the people who run the buses in Wolves.

The tweet ran thus:

Travel_WM Travel WM Help
"catch it, ride it, love it" - wasn't anyone in our office's idea for a slogan, let me tell you that much! #soundslikehorsesex
11 Feb

This did not look like the average corporate Twitter page. I'm pretty sure that slagging off approved slogans was not toeing the company line. I scrolled through:

Travel_WM Travel WM Help
We'd like to apologise for disruptions in sevices today. The council rented half the roads out to sky tv without telling us!
12 Sep

Travel_WM Travel WM Help @
@Kathryn_Rushe Don't have a go at us love, we only got told about it yesterday!
12 Sep

Travel_WM Travel WM Help
ALTHOUGH disruptions to lines going south from Moor Street Station are still in effect. There are Rail Replacement Buses running from. certain stations at random intervals (tho i heard they were reserve drivers, and lets just say, they're not the most safety-conscious!)

Travel_WM Travel WM Help
There's been a lot of bad publicity over the child hit by a No. 6 in Hall Green. Sorry, but really, how can you not see a bus coming?


Travel_WM Travel WM Help
@stanley_wells Drivers aren't responsible for the safety of non-passengers. He said it was an accident and we believe him, he's a nice guy!

Travel_WM Travel WM Help @
@stanley_wells My point is its clearly the childs fault for walking in front of our bus. Or the parents for raising an idiot, who knows

Travel_WM Travel WM Help
@ipswichbuses Hey, crazy idea, do you guys fancy a race sometime? We could get some charity involved, make an event out of it...

Travel_WM Travel WM Help @
@ipswichbuses Are you refusinng our offer of a race then? Is it cos you know our buses are faster?

Travel_WM Travel WM Help
Hey everybody, @ipswichbuses are too chicken to race us. So we win by default. Pakaaawk!

Travel_WM Travel WM Help
Tired of scary black people, scruffy gypsies, the lingering weed smell on the No. 11? Join our "Be A Grass"campaign http://is.gd/f92Ap

His last tweet was 5 months ago, which is a bloody shame as the new bus station in Wolves cost 22.5 million pounds, shut down the ring road for great lengths of time and is under no small amount of fire some fire from the bus using public.

Apparently, whilst the new bus station is nice and shiny and a lovely experience for all who use it, the travel authorities have stopped a lot of the buses from actually using it. Services that used to terminate at the station, which is about 500 yards from the train station, now terminate in the city center, making catching the train a bit more of a chore.

It has also been suggested that the services that have been prevented from starting and finishing at the station, serve the less salubrious parts of the city and is the bus company's attempt at keeping the new bus station all shiny, new and free of scary looking passengers.

I think @Travel_WM would have had some great sport with this.

Owner Of A Broken Heart

Lads, if you ever needed to know how to win back your girl, this is it. The close ups will seal the deal and make her yours forever.



It doesn't make you a complete loser with no nads. Not even a little bit.

Jesus Wept.

Anonymous Message To NATO

I don't know anything about their effectiveness as a group or their skill-set, but if you take out the implied threat from the press release below, nothing is actually threatened after all, I quite like it as an anti-corruption polemic. 

Greetings, members of NATO. We are Anonymous.


In a recent publication, you have singled out Anonymous as a threat to "government and the people". You have also alleged that secrecy is a 'necessary evil' and that transparency is npt always the right way forward.


Anonymous would like to remind you that the government and the people are, contrary to the supposed foundations of "democracy", distinct entities with often conflicting goals and desires. It is Anonymous' position that when there is a conflict of interest between the government and the people, it is the people's will which must take priority. The only threat transparency poses to government is to threaten government's ability to act in a manner which the people would disagree with, without having to face democratic consequences and accountability for such behaviour. Your own report cites a perfect example of this, the Anonymous attack on HBGary. Whether HBGary were acting in the cause of security or military gain is irrelevant - their actions were illegal and morally reprehensible. Anonymous does not accept that the government and/or the military has the right to be above the law and to use the phoney cliche of "national security" to justify illegal and deceptive activities. If the government must break the rules, they must also be willing to accept the democratic consequences of this at the ballot box.We do not accept the current status quo whereby a government can tell one story to the people and another in private. Dishonesty and secrecy totally undermine the concept of self rule. How can the people judge for whom to vote unless they are fully aware of what policies said politicians are actually pursuing?


When a government is elected, it is said to "represent" the nation it governs. This essentially means that the actions of a government are not the actions of the people in government, but are actions taken on behalf of every citizen in that country. It is unacceptable to have a situation in which the people are, in many cases, totally and utterly unaware of what is being said and done on their behalf - behind closed doors.


Anonymous and WikiLeaks are distinct entities. The actions of Anonymous were not aided or even requested by WikiLeaks. However, Anonymous and WikiLeaks do share one common attribute: They are no threat to any organization - unless that organization is doing something wrong and attempting to get away with it.


We do not wish to threaten anybody's way of life. We do not wish to dictate anything to anybody. We do not wish to terrorize any nation.


We merely wish to remove power from vested interests and return it to the people - who, in a democracy, it should never have been taken from in the first place.
The government makes the law. This does not give them the right to break it. If the government was doing nothing underhand or illegal, there would be nothing "embarassing" about Wikileaks revelations, nor would there have been any scandal emanating from HBGary. The resulting scandals were not a result of Anonymous' or Wikileaks' revelations, they were the result of the CONTENT of those revelations. And responsibility for that content can be laid solely at the doorstep of policymakers who, like any corrupt entity, naively believed that they were above the law and that they would not be caught.


A lot of government and corporate comment has been dedicated to "how we can avoid a similar leak in the future". Such advice ranges from better security, to lower levels of clearance, from harsher penalties for whistleblowers, to censorship of the press.


Our message is simple: Do not lie to the people and you won't have to worry about your lies being exposed. Do not make corrupt deals and you won't have to worry about your corruption being laid bare. Do not break the rules and you won't have to worry about getting in trouble for it.


Do not attempt to repair your two faces by concealing one of them. Instead, try having only one face - an honest, open and democratic one.


You know you do not fear us because we are a threat to society. You fear us because we are a threat to the established hierarchy. Anonymous has proven over the last several years that a hierarchy is not necessary in order to achieve great progress - perhaps what you truly fear in us, is the realization of your own irrelevance in an age which has outgrown its reliance on you. Your true terror is not in a collective of activists, but in the fact that you and everything you stand for have, by the changing tides and the advancement of technology, are now surplus to requirements.


Finally, do not make the mistake of challenging Anonymous. Do not make the mistake of believing you can behead a headless snake. If you slice off one head of Hydra, ten more heads will grow in its place. If you cut down one Anon, ten more will join us purely out of anger at your trampling of dissent.


Your only chance of defeating the movement which binds all of us is to accept it. This is no longer your world. It is our world - the people's world.

We are Anonymous.
We are legion.
We do not forgive.
We do not forget.
Expect us...

Those little buggers eh?

The Middle Lane, Not Just For Morons Anymore

I'm not always filled with rage, hate, piss and vinegar. Sometimes I like to give to charity, stroke puppies and teach children the finer points of smoking cigarettes, such as how to not bumsuck a fag.

Trust me, not bumsucking is important.

If you ever want to guarantee a good old spot of Carter rage, then I suggest you wait until I am behind the wheel of car, traveling on one of her Majesty's motorways and then sit in the middle lane without recourse to the left hand one. I see this behaviour an awful lot on the roads and it never fails to generate an instant hatred of the dizzy bastard willfully flouting the Keep Left rule.

Die. Just Die.

So, what can one do? Can I ram them into the left hand lane where they should be? Can I undertake whilst leaning on the horn and giving them the Kenco coffee beans sign? Perhaps a civil flash of the lights to let them know that I am behind them and they appear to be impeding the progress of other motorway users would do the trick.

These particular methods of education, whilst entirely justified, are frowned upon by the Dibble. I think this is because the methods have a low success rate. I mean, it's one on one teaching but the chances of getting through to people that have clearly had all common sense removed, well, it's just not going to happen is it.

Whenever I have mentioned this topic, and I do mention it frequently, I can't recall a single one of my friends, young or old, disagreeing with me. This may be because I have selective hearing but I like to think that I have chosen my friends wisely.

Back in September, I wrote this:

Some things in life are obvious. So damn obvious in fact, that they shouldn't require taxpayer funded poster, leaflet and pamphlet drives accompanied by multiple television adverts to highlight the issues.

The "Think Bike" campaign has to be one of the most egregious examples of this bearsshitinthwoodedness that is paid for by us.

If you ride a bike you are vulnerable, so beware of cars, lorries and other traffic. They may not see you because you are smaller, faster and can get through gaps that other vehicles can't. Drivers of vehicles with four wheels need to be aware that motorcyclists own the roads and don't have to observe such niceties as speed limits and not undertaking.

Hardly requires state sponsered education to learn that, does it now?

I can't help but think that money would be better spent on advertising the benefits of the left hand lane to those that are obviously scared of it. A simple lorry trailer advertising campaign which actively encourages violence to the middle lane hoggers would do me nicely.

Justifiable Homicide

There are times that I could happily reach out my hands and throttle the person in front of me. The reasons for this can be their stubbornly held belief that they are right despite having an opinion contrary to mine, or it could just be that they are in my way. The majority of the time, I’m angry at the person because they are in my way.

I wouldn’t say I was a particularly rapid person, I certainly don’t like to hang around, even if this doesn’t translate directly to my fielding capabilities in Cricket. However, when there is someone plodding or dawdling in front of me, I tend to begin the process of plotting their demise.

Whenever a car pulls out in front of me and insists on doing 10mph less than the speed limit, whilst taking their dear sweet time getting there, I will start to froth at the mouth. These are the same selfish swine that sit in the middle lanes of motorways who get upset when you blast past them on the inside lane just to show them where it is.

These people should be shot along with their children and never allowed to breed.

Watching someone trying to do a simple operation on my computer, copying and pasting using a mouse instead of hitting CTRL+C and CRTL+V for example, can set my foot tapping and knee jiggling without much time having passed. I also find that when I use someone else’s PC they invariably have the mouse speed set to excruciatingly slow and this too will make my insides go all itchy, signalling the onset of a raging fury.

Dozy bar staff really get on my nerves too as I don’t believe that there is any need for it. I don’t want to get all “back in my day” on you, but I will. I used to work behind a bar and the till was as basic as basic could be, yet this didn’t stop me from serving up to three customers at once, getting their drinks right and handing out the correct change. It’s rare I go to a pub these days but I’ve seen a man wait 5 minutes for a pint in a near empty pub, even though there was a girl behind the ramp.

Have you ever watched someone who isn’t very good at computer games play Sonic or Super Mario? It’s like fingernails down the chalkboard of my spine when they lose 5 lives in quick succession on the second level.



“PRESS B YOU MORON! PRESS B!!!”

“Alright son, there’s no need to talk to your Nan like that.”

Will you look at that, there’s a whole page worth of print above this line and all it’s done is confirm that I’m psychotic. I’m generally alright but I really, really, really don’t like to be kept waiting because the person in front of me is too slow witted to drive a car at the national speed limit, or they don’t have the ability to remember why they went in to the bank and queue for twenty minutes

I especially find it hard to contain my exasperation and disgust at some of the mouth breathers I have seen attempt to use a self service checkout. If you feel that you may be a bit thick then do the world a favour and use the staffed checkout. The person on the till may be your cousin/sister but they have at least been trained in the art of barcode detection.

I’m finding it harder and harder to contain my anger at the slower witted people of the world. On Sunday I was playing golf with the Housemate Masher. We were only playing 9 holes and we started of with a clear course in front of us. By the time we had reached the 4th hole, we had caught up with the fourball in front of us. They didn’t seem to be playing too slowly and we didn’t mind waiting an extra minute or two before teeing off again. The next hole was a lot slower and when we reached the tee for the 7th, the fourball were waiting to tee off because of the father and son combo in front of them.

There was nobody on front of the two people on the green but they were playing so badly and soooooooo slowly that they were holding up 6 other golfers after only 6 holes. This soon turned into 8 as another pair joined us. The son looked like he was the picked on type; short, dumpy, glasses and so very, very, very slow. He took many practices swings, all with the grace of an out of control Chinnook but much, much, much slower.

The father was obviously mentally challenged. You do not take your child on to a proper golf course unless he can play. There are much cheaper pitch and putt courses that cater for the lower skilled golfer. I mean, why bother attempting a 500 plus yard par 5 hole if you can’t hit it no more than 20 feet off the tee?

As we advanced up the 7th hole, we could see the genetically challenged offspring of Jethro and Jethrine coming back towards us as they slooooooowly made their way up the 8th. They had not a care in the world, were completely impervious to the vitriol and bad juju being sent their way by all that were being held up.

I understand that it’s a big old world and being kind to those less fortunate is what marks the human species out as, well, human! I have to ask though, if I had taken my 4 iron and did for the pair of them, in a manner that would have seen me set for drinks for the rest of my life from the blokes in the fourball alone, would anyone really miss them?

The next time I see someone at the petrol station who doesn’t understand that the petrol hoses reach both sides of the car, or doesn’t seem to notice or care that other people are waiting, would the world really give a crap if I increased the overall productivity of the country by wringing his moronic neck?

Aren’t there enough people in the world? Surely a quick purge of the terminally ignorant would help the world?

Centre lane only drivers on the motorway. Gone.

40mph drivers on national speed limit roads. Gone.

Chavs with loaded shopping trolleys clogging up the self service or express checkouts. Gone.

People who stand in groups in the middle of the pavement. Gone.

That moron on his mobile phone in the cinema. Hung from the Town hall by his shoelaces with his Nokia slammed up his back passage. He may still be present as as an example to others but essentially, he’s gone.

Britain’s Got Talent. Gone.

Piers Morgan. Gone, but most definitely dispatched in a painful way.

Dear World. Give me the chance to do some good. Let me be the judge, jury and executioner that the normal people are crying out for.

Let transgressions against Carter’s Law be a capital offense.

I saw this on my way to work this morning

What a moron.

Meritforce Doorstep Collection Agents

The post that follows is one of the most visited posts on my blog and was originally posted on 23rd September 2010. People google "Meritforce" because they have received a letter in the post claiming that they owe money. What often happens is that the recipient of the letter will then phone Meritforce because they don't recognise the debt and Meritforce will strong arm them into a payment plan, despite the fact that the debt never existed in the first place and was completely fabricated.

If you're here for that reason then please read on. I try to be a bit funny and sarcastic but I would like to think that the advice I do give in this post, is 100% clear: 

1. Meritforce are con artists
2. DO NOT contact them
3. Contact the Office of Fair Trading and let them know, clearly and concisely, what you've been threatened with.
4. Being a working person in Britain today is fraught with money worries, don't let these crooked bastards steal from you and make it even harder.   

 Enjoy the original post.

Carter Magna 

Unlike me, the Landlord, formally Flatmate, Masher isn't daft when it comes to cash. He has also never had any dealings with 3 Mobile. You may wonder why I felt the need to include that tidbit as there will also be many of you that have never had any dealings with 3 Mobile. Well the reason is simple yet straight out of left field.

Today Masher received a letter from a firm called Meritforce stating that he owed nearly a grand to 3 Mobile, a firm called Lowell Portfolio 1 Limited were pursuing the debt and Meritforce Doorstep Collection Agents were going to pay a visit in the next ten days.

Not just any visit, but an AUTHORISED COLLECTION VISIT.

Hmmmmm. Time for the modern day superhero to shed some light on this: Googleman.

As per usual, Googleman gives it the beans and shows that Meritforce (also known as Mackenzie Hall) have much form. So I've read, the debt has often never existed in the first place and they are reliant on gullible people paying up because they're scared.

The money saving forums and other sites suggest a particular template to deal with these chancers and I shall include it here if you've happened across this post because you're being harangued too:

Mr M Ark
Carter Towers,
Wolverhampton
WV3 XXX
23/09/2010

Meritforce,
Unit 2B,
Portland Street,
Kilmarnock,
KA1 1JG

Dear Sir/Madam

Ref: xxxxxxxxxxx

You have contacted us regarding the account with the above reference number, which you claim is owed by ourselves.

We would point out that we have no knowledge of any such debt being owed to The Loan Company.

We are familiar with the ‘Office of Fair Trading Debt Collection Guidance’ which states that it is unfair to send demands for payment to an individual when it is uncertain that they are the debtor in question.

We would also point out that the OFT say under the Guidance that it is unfair to pursue third parties for payment when they are not liable. In not ceasing collection activity whilst investigating a reasonably queried or disputed debt you are using deceptive/and or unfair methods.

Furthermore, ignoring and/or disregarding claims that debts have been settled or are disputed and continuing to make unjustified demands for payment amounts to physical/psychological harassment.

We would ask that no further contact be made concerning the above accounts unless you can provide evidence as to our liability for the debt in question.

Furthermore, should it be your intention to arrange a “doorstep call”, please be advised that under OFT rules, you can only visit me at my home if you make an appointment and I have no wish to make an appointment with you.

There is only an implied license under English Common Law for people to be able to visit me on my property without express permission; the postman and people asking for directions etc (Armstrong v. Sheppard and Short Ltd [1959] 2 Q.B. per Lord Evershed M.R.).

Therefore take note that I revoke license under Common Law for you, or your representatives to visit me at my property and if you do so, then you will be liable to damages for a tort of trespass and action will be taken, including but not limited to, police attendance.

We also notice the OFT have recently placed requirements on Mackenzie Hall Ltd. Specifically, that they/you and all connected companies cease collection activity and enforcement while any debt remains queried or disputed. Should you ignore this requirement, a complaint with the OFT and other regulatory bodies will be raised.

We await your written confirmation that this matter is now closed. Otherwise we will have no option but to make a complaint to the trading standards department and consider informing the OFT of your actions.

We look forward to your reply.

Yours faithfully



Mr GotAnInterwebsConnectionAndIsHipToGoogleY'All

I can understand why people would feel the need to write or ring these people to sort out the obvious mistake. My advice though, and I'm no expert mind, is to give them a damn good ignoring.

Seriously.

You doubt me? That would be very wise of you as this is but a crappy blog on that there interpants after all. Before you do dismiss me out of hand, have another look at that letter that Meritforce have sent you, if that's why you are here. Most decent companies send out letters with a printed letterhead on watermarked paper, is that the case here? Are there any details that you recognise? Have you been contacted by the pursuers before and, most importantly, do you actually owe them any money?

They're fishing so do yourself a favour and ignore them. If they do come round, tell them to do one and if they don't bugger off, call the dibble.

As a little piece of retribution, and as much as I would like to offer these chancers a Chard Slap followed by a Snake Back Break Move, I can only offer the following:

mackenzie@meritforce.co.uk

complaints@meritforce.co.uk

Well, the last time I published an e-mail address on here this happened. I can only hope the lovely chaps at Meritforce get descended upon with lots of spam too.

UPDATE

I'm getting a lot of visits because of people googling Meritforce, presumably because they've also had threatening letters for no reason. If this is the reason you're here, leave a comment and let us know what your experience with them is.

UPDATE Number 2:

This post was written and uploaded on the 23rd of September 2010. It is now April 2011. If these muppets were going to knock on our door, they would have done so by now. We haven't had a single follow up letter and Masher swears blind that he has never even thought about getting a mobile phone with Three Mobile.

Do yourself a favour; if you don't recognise the alleged debt, do not contact Meritforce. They're chancing their arm.

Saw Mark Steel on Soccer AM

And they talked about this:



Well worth listening to if you're a cricket fan.

These sums are wrong

There are lots of fat people in the country. This generally occurs because the fat person is eating more food than they need to. It’s not rocket science.

There is also the small matter of worse health due to being a person of size. This ends up costing the NHS, basically the taxpayer, money. In a stunning little headline grabber, some unnamed “Health Boss”, whatever a health boss is, has suggested that overweight people of all ages be given slimming shakes and diet food. This, the reasoning goes, will save the NHS money in the long term and will be cheaper than gastric bands and the like.

If these slimming aids, or as I like to call it other types of food, are to be given to the chubby chaps and chappesses, what exactly are the recipients going to contribute in this deal?

You could argue that they contribute by not being a drain on the NHS in later life. If you did argue this, it would mark you out as a bit of a moron. People don’t get fat without eating food. Lots and lots of food. If I wanted to lose a few inches off my waistline there are two ways I could do this; eat less and do more. Eating less is cheaper than eating more. Why aren’t the slimmers themselves paying for the very special diet food out of the surplus they have in their pockets by not stocking up on Findus Crispy Pancakes?

A Pure Two Minutes Of Spoiler

I have just seen the trailer for the new film "The Rise Of The Planet Of The Apes." It looks very, very good. The CGI looks like very special effects and despite the meager 2 minutes and 18 seconds of film, you could easily imagine having strong feelings for that first clever monkey.

Here's  the trailer.



Impressive, isn't it?

That short trailer shows that this film has all of the elements required to make it a smash. The only problem for me is that I can't help but feel that I don't need to see it now. The whole damn plot has been revealed to me in that one trailer. Why would I want to spend money on watching it all play out in slow time, whilst there are videos of Clara Morgane on the Internet that I can watch for free?

Better toss a coin I suppose. Yes. I said coin...

There is absolutely nothing left to the imagination. Some scientists are looking for a cure for Alzheimer's and are testing on animals. They have a breakthrough and one of their test subjects, a chimp, becomes extremely bright, has a baby chimp who also has an intelligence on a par with a human for its age. People get scared, treat the chimp like shit, the chimp rebels with its chimp strength enhanced by its supercharged evolving brain and liberates the rest of the monkey world by turning the Human's Alzheimer's research against them.

*sigh* The Human domain is over run and the Monkeys take over, enslaving their Human overlords.

Please Hollywood, you've been doing this for years. Isn't it about time you credit us with some intelligence and let us actually watch the film before blurting out the entire plot?

I've got your facebook profile

I don't mind constructive criticism, truly, I don't. If you're going to give me grief then I suggest you play it a little cooler than you have been doing.

Here is my response http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?=743264506

I know who you are.