Paul Uppal MP, Wolverhampton South West

When the incumbent Labour lapdog Rob Marris was voted out of Wolverhampton South West, I celebrated. I never liked his politics or his assertion that my money should be spread out amongst the lazy and the feckless.

Since the election and subsequent formation of the Coalition, I've not really taken any notice of the new chap, Conservative MP for Wolverhampton South West, Paul Uppal.

I met the guy once, at a quiz night to raise funds for him, back when he was first selected as the Conservative Party PPC.

Don't ask.

He seemed nice enough but it was pretty obvious that he'd say anything to get your vote. I remember doing some light googling at the time and coming across some negative comments from some Labour bloggers. He'd been guilty of the crime of deleting comments from his blog. This angered someone to the point of setting up a mirror blog to his called Paul Uppal To Lose. This site, whilst currently still up, was short lived and gave up after a mere 7 number of posts. Paul kept his blog going, right up until his campaigning for the General Election 2010 gathered pace.

It was a fairly innocuous affair, plenty of pictures of Paul rubbing shoulders with pillars of the community, sucking up to David Cameron and, with monotonous regularity, "casual" mentions of his purchase of a season ticket for the Molineux.

Like I say, I remember it being updated fairly regularly up until the baby kissing and vote grabbing but am unable to prove this. For some reason, and I can think of no reason why, the blog has been deleted. Oh well. It wasn't exactly Nightjack and shall not be missed.

It's been a few months since the election and I thought I should, as the protector of all that is right and just in my little world, check in on my new representative.

Depsite my inability to grow a moustache as plush and sexy as Tom Selleck, I set about doing some digging. The first port of call when researching any MP, is the aptly titled and brilliantly maintained They Work For You dot com.

I'm here to tell you people, if Magnum had the interpants back then, he would have spent all day ALT+TABbing between Facebook, Google and Redtube. Solving crime whilst indulging in self love.

So then Paulo, what have you been up to?

First up, he's been asking questions but please, feel free to scroll down to the end of the blue italics. Parliamentise is intentionally dull and a wrist slittingly awful example of what can happen to our beautiful language.

Paul Uppal: To ask the Secretary of State for Communities and Local Government whether his Department provides support for landlords dealing with tenants in receipt of rent allowance who fail to pay their rent.

Paul Uppal: To ask the Deputy Prime Minister what steps the Government are taking to reduce the level of electoral fraud by personation.

Paul Uppal: To ask the Secretary of State for Health whether he has made an assessment of the financial implications for small NHS dental practices of Health Technical Memorandum 01-05 on decontamination in primary care dental practices.

Paul Uppal: To ask the Secretary of State for Communities and Local Government what effect on levels of revenue the removal of business rate relief on (a) industrial property, (b) retail property, (c) commercial property and (d) office accommodation has had in respect of Wolverhampton.

Paul Uppal: To ask the Secretary of State for Work and Pensions (1) what assistance his Department has provided to residents of Wolverhampton South West constituency who have been made redundant in the last 12 months; (2) what steps his Department is taking to assist residents in Wolverhampton South West constituency who are in receipt of jobseeker's allowance to secure employment.

Paul Uppal: To ask the Secretary of State for Communities and Local Government if he will reinstate business rate relief for empty properties by 2015.

Paul Uppal: To ask the Secretary of State for Communities and Local Government if he will examine the effectiveness of operation of the formula used to calculate the grant to local authorities under the Supporting People programme in respect of (a) Wolverhampton and (b) other cities of comparable population.

Paul Uppal: To ask the Secretary of State for the Home Department how many failed asylum seekers were evicted from domestic properties in Wolverhampton South West constituency before deportation from the UK in the last 12 months.

Paul Uppal: To ask the Minister for the Cabinet Office how many children were living in workless households in Wolverhampton South West constituency in (a) 2005, (b) 2007 and (c) 2010.

Paul Uppal: To ask the Secretary of State for the Home Department what recent assessment she has made of her Department's progress against its objective to complete outstanding decisions on legacy asylum cases by 2011.

Paul Uppal: To ask the Secretary of State for the Home Department how many asylum seekers who are the subject of legacy cases are resident in Wolverhampton South West constituency.

Paul Uppal: To ask the Secretary of State for the Home Department how many asylum seekers who applied for asylum in the last 12 months are resident in Wolverhampton South West constituency.

Paul Uppal: To ask the Secretary of State for the Home Department how many antisocial behaviour orders have been (a) made and (b) breached in respect of those resident in Wolverhampton South West constituency in each of the last five years.

Paul Uppal: To ask the Secretary of State for the Home Department how many offences involving (a) knives and (b) firearms were recorded in Wolverhampton South West constituency in 2009-10.

Paul Uppal: To ask the Secretary of State for International Development to which organisations his Department has granted aid funding to assist recovery following the recent floods in Pakistan.

Paul Uppal: To ask the Secretary of State for Health what steps his Department is taking to ensure all GPs have access to adequate (a) information and (b) training on care for patients with eating disorders.

Some odd ones there. Trying to look like a hard man on immigration when your sitting in Enoch Powell's old seat, whilst sporting a bit of a tan, certainly catches the eye. Some other very specific questions regarding business rate relief on empty properties, plus other landlordy type stuff, when coupled with his single entry in the Register of Members' Interests, make for Spidey sense tingling reading. More on that later.

I e-mailed an accountant type friend of mine with regard to the company that the member for the bottom-right hand side of Wolves is a shareholder in:

Hello mate,

Doing a post for the blog and I have come across something that seems a little odd, it may just be my layman's eye:

An MP has declared in the Register of Member's Interests that he has shareholdings in this company "Pinehurst Securities Ltd."

A Google of this company, and this MP, shows an article boasting "Uppal, who owns £10m of property in the south-east with Pinehurst Securities, says he went for the British Property Federation role because he understands the politics of property."

Further Googling shows no dedicated website and absolutely no puff. Just the fact that this company exists, is registered at companies house and is located in Dudley. No phone number either. I found an an old phone number which was an 0904 job, designed to rip off people looking for some late night, drunken telephonic love or to put anyone off calling.

Is this strange for a property business? Do they not tout for trade?

It's either the next Watergate or just a damp squib Hahaha!!

Anyway, how's the rash?

Carter

He soon responded:

Nothing unusual here mate. Normal for large property owners/developers to hold things in a limited company.

Tax efficiency, limited liability of the mortgages etc.

The company has been incorporated since 2001, has a clean record on my credit check system, creditworthy, £8m odd of assets in the company. 3 directors, all Uppals (no surprise there)

Phone numbers are not a legal requirement of a company filing and I am not surprised there is no website.

This is a corporate limited liability shell for 3 relatives to contain their property portfolio. Nothing unusual in it. Sensible business and tax control. They would not have any corporate presence as the reality of this is they are 3 independent businessmen, this is simply a vehicle.

Sorry to disappoint.

Also GET ON WITH SOMETHING MORE USEFUL!!!!

I was actually quite pleased with the answer; it's good business to do this when you own property. This at least indicates that the man working so hard for the 60 odd grand a year doled out to Z Factor winners, is not an idiot. He is also independently wealthy, this means he doesn't need my cash and will get on with doing what MPs pimping a blue rosette should be doing; scaling back the state and decreasing that there tax thing.

Paul Uppal: To ask the Secretary of State for Communities and Local Government if he will reinstate business rate relief for empty properties by 2015.

Paul Uppal: To ask the Secretary of State for Communities and Local Government what effect on levels of revenue the removal of business rate relief on (a) industrial property, (b) retail property, (c) commercial property and (d) office accommodation has had in respect of Wolverhampton.

Paul Uppal: To ask the Secretary of State for Communities and Local Government whether his Department provides support for landlords dealing with tenants in receipt of rent allowance who fail to pay their rent.

That's a conflict of interest there dude.

That is a very naughty thing to do and I don't like you using the apparatus of democracy to further fatten your wallet.

It gets worse.

Whilst writing all this and googling harder and faster than Magnum PI ever could, (yeah I said it) I've been beaten to the punch, several punches in fact, by a lefty.

The Plashing Vole, a lecturer at Wolverhampton University by all accounts, has had a raging stork on for Paul Uppal since he was elected back in May. Mr Vole has been making good use of the Freedom of Information Act, sending letters to Paul himself (no reply), Baroness Warsi, the Dibble and the electoral commission and generally holding this slimy piece of parliamentarian to account.

I bet this Vole bloke has a magnificent cookie duster above his top lip.

Whatever.

As it stands, I'm still a Libertarian and I still don't approve of career politicians. He is getting paid a hefty amount of cash to SERVE this part of the world, not to serve himself. He was elected on a tide of anti establishment feeling due to the expenses scandal. To be fair, he's ignoring the expenses and going directly to massive tax breaks for himself!

AMAZING!

Mr Uppal, I'm telling you now, while you still have a chance to do something worthwhile with your time in office; do not let your voters down.

You were not voted in so that you could ensure that you and your family could make even more money. You amassed a more than modest portfolio before you gained office and this current behaviour appears to be nothing more than naked greed. You've been on the Westminster teat for less than 6 months and yet you already appear to be corrupted.

Stop it. Stop it now.

You're making me miss Rob Marris...

The Great Tobacco Heist

I’m not often stuck for words; those that know me will attest that this is true as well unfortunate, but this article, in regular blog fodder provider The Express & Star, left me struggling with the art of articulation.

Cigarette bins removed after thieves use crow bars to steal butts

Cigarette bins installed in Wolverhampton as part of an £11,000 litter campaign have been removed – because people were using crow bars to rip them open and steal the butts from inside.

Council bosses today revealed there had been daily attacks on the city’s 46 bins, which also collect chewing gum and cost taxpayers £75 to repair each time they are damaged.
The so-called Smart Bins were installed on lampposts in the city centre in autumn 2007, including Dudley Street, as part of a campaign to stop smokers littering the streets with discarded cigarette ends.

They also encouraged people to stop dropping gum on the floor.

But council chiefs said it had become “uneconomical” to keep them in light of the daily attacks as scavengers were prising them apart to steal tobacco dropped inside.

Steve Woodward, head of Wolverhampton City Council’s street scene services, said: “We have had a real problem with people breaking into the smart bins, using considerable force and we assume a crow bar or similar, to get at the discarded cigarettes inside.

“The police were informed. It became almost a daily occurrence and because it costs £75 a time of taxpayers’ money to replace the broken doors, it has simply become uneconomical to continue once our stock of spare parts had run out.

“We weren’t prepared to order new parts for exactly the same thing to happen again. Therefore we have taken the reluctant decision to remove the smart bins.”

He said that the smart bins would be kept in the council stores with the possibility of them being relocated elsewhere in the city if funds ever became available.

It costs the city council around £3 million a year to clear up 4,000 tons of litter and fly-tipped rubbish.

Council spokesman Tim Clark said: “We urge smokers to carry their own container such as a metal sweet tin or cigarette pouch so they can stub out their cigarettes and keep until they are near a bin.”

He warned that fixed £50 fines would be handed out to anybody caught dropping cigarettes on the streets.

The reason for my inability to form a solid opinion and to convey it upon reading this, was not because I didn’t know what to think; it was because I had too many things welling up in my mind to shout about. Which should I give priority?

I think I had better start from the start and try to take this one bullet point at a time.

Cigarette butts are the waste ends of cigarettes and they need to be disposed of. Unlike other waste, there is an issue of actively starting a fire, so they can’t just be slung in with other rubbish. Fine, special bins it is then.

Money should not be an issue where these bins are concerned. Some quick sums show that a twenty a day smoker, pays the equivalent of half the National Insurance contributions of the average worker:

Back of fag packet calcs based on this document which quotes the following:

The rates of duty are:
• cigarettes: an amount equal to 24 per cent of the retail price plus £119.03 per thousand cigarettes;
• cigars: £180.28 per kilogram;
• hand-rolling tobacco: £129.59 per kilogram; and
• other smoking tobacco and chewing tobacco: £79.26 per kilogram.

Soooooo,

20 Marlboro Light are roughly £6

24% of £6 a pack = £1.44

£119.03 divided by 50 (50 packets of 20 = 1000 fags) = £2.38

VAT @ 17.5% on £6 = £1.05

Total tax = £4.87

Therefore £4.87 of £6 = 81%

Duty on cigarettes = 81%

Therefore 81% of £6 multiplied by 365 = £1,773.90 per 20 a day smoker, per year.

The bins shouldn’t need to be anything special either, just emptied every day. There is the question of smell but a lid should suffice in this area. It works for the dog crap bins does it not?

Now, the only reason this article exists is that people, for some strange reason, have been busting these “smart bins” open to get to the gooey centre. In fact, the language used in the article is that they are stealing the cigarette butts. Now that’s an odd choice of word as it applies to rubbish, in a bin, in the street. I really don’t know what to make of the mindset behind that. Smoking is pretty damn expensive these days and if you’re addicted to nicotine and can’t afford it, well, you have my sympathies. But using a crowbar to open them?

Tramps are going equipped now?

Why put locks on them in the first place? The contents are pretty damn rank I grant you and you certainly wouldn’t want vandals spilling dibs everywhere, yet Muttley’s daily output is protected by nothing more than a black rubber lid.

Most odd.

I don’t agree with the singling out of smokers though: Litter is a high crime against the world and its occupants. Whether it’s a dropped kebab, empty tin of Tennant’s Extra, sweet wrapper, old sofa, fag end or any other item that’s surplus to requirements, if you don’t dispose of it properly, I wish you nothing but pain.

Seriously.

If there's a bin right there, bloody well use it or hang on to your crap until you reach one, there are plenty around.

Well, that’s the article dealt with so now for the comments... I really should stop reading them but it’s like watching England play football, you know it’s going to disappoint and upset but you can’t help doing it.

If the article wasn’t bad enough, then the comments section firmly put the kibosh on the chance of anything sensible emanating from my mush. Yes I know, the next time you say anything sensible will be the first time Carter, but either way, comment will be necessary.

11 Pete October 13, 2010 at 1:27 pm
do us all a favour and ban smoking in all public places

13 JJ October 13, 2010 at 3:17 pm
Why are we providing bins so smokers can deposit there (sic) butts anyway. They choose to smoke so they need to deal with what they are going to do with the waste. Same goes for chewers. If littering is a problem then just get more wardens and collect fines off those littering to pay for that.

Jee.
Sus.
Wept.

The jerk of the knee, the reactionary reaction, the open hostility and contempt for people who, let's face it, are addicted and hooked on possibly the most dangerous drug ever invented, just amazes me.

Fortunately for me, on this, the fourth time of asking, I haven't had a cigarette since the 18th of December last year and I'm not likely to. I had a dream the other night that I was smoking again and whilst dreams are weird, screwed up places with little or no logic (or at least, mine are), I remember being absolutely distraught that I was back on it.

Almost to the point of tears in fact.

I can still remember vividly the fear and disquiet that I continued to feel for a good few minutes after waking.

Whilst non-smokers won't understand this, the lucky bastards, the more obnoxious brand of ex-smoker pretend not to and succeed only in ensuring that some people won't quit.

From the first time I realised I was hooked, when I was 14 years old, right through to my first semi successful stint of "being free" at the age of 27, I remember being scared of what life would be like without cigarettes. That right there, the fear, that's the most insidious part of the nicotine addiction. If you back up that crippling anxiety of the unknown with the open hostility showed by the anti-smokers, you get a siege mentality and I don't fucking blame the smokers for that one little bit. I was one once and I have nothing but respect for the people at Freedom 2 Choose and their supporters. Fair play to 'em!

It’s the same old cry time after time "There ought to be a law" and the attitude of the puritans really grips my thing that shouldn’t be gripped. Leave the smokers alone. Your pity isn't required either and your indifference would actually be a refreshing change of pace.

Take your hate elsewhere. If it’s one thing that I utterly, cannot abide, it’s intolerance.

Gamer's Anonymous

The surge of inventions and technological advancement over the past few centuries has been mind boggling. Or at least, it's been mind boggling to those of us who give these developments a second thought. I have a modest qualification in Electrical and Electronic Engineering, I can wire a plug, I've set up my home so that me and my housemates can enjoy porn, separately, in almost any room and I consider myself to be a fairly competent individual when it comes to technology. That doesn't stop me from using this flowchart almost every day.



When I was in my final year of primary school, we had a computer in the class. It was a BBC Micro and using 9 inch floppy discs we could load one of two educational games. One of these games was called "BANGO!" and featured a balloon which would burst and show the word BANGO! when a fraction was guessed correctly. Somehow, my mate Adam hacked the program, altered the source code and changed BANGO! in to a swear word that a 10 year old boy really should not have known back in 1988.

I'll attempt to refrain from mugging you in Memory Lane whilst I reel off my gamer history. Feel free to borrow these rose tinted specs by the way. My Atari 800XL was superseded by a Spectrum 128K +2, which bit the dust back in '91. I first met Mario and Princess Peach on the NES, ruled at Street Fighter II on my mate Frog's SNES during the sixth form, lost days/weeks to Zelda on the N64 in my early twenties. I have no idea what happened to my Playstation, I've burned through 3 PS2s and today, somehow, have two working Xbox 360s, which do so much more than just play games.

Well, they can stream avi files from the computer but it just feels like so much more.

I've spent many sunny days, alone in my bedroom with the curtains drawn and I wasn't even looking at nuddy pictures of women.

Hello everyone, my name is Carter and I'm a video game addict.

Except that I'm not. I've been a gamer for over twenty years but an addict?

What a truly ridiculous idea and it's only something that could be dreamt up by people with absolutely no concept of personal responsibility. Oh, let’s not forget those shysters who are more than happy to enable them and get paid handsomely for it too.

I made the mistake of listening to the Radio on the way into work this morning. I normally have a podcast of some humorous or interesting bent to entertain me on my morning commute, but this morning I had Radio 1's god-awful News output being injected right into my ear sockets. It wasn't long before I was swearing at the wireless.

This may have had a bearing on my offer, to a gentlemen in a red BMW 5 series estate, to pull over for a chat after I had informed him of the quality of his decision, to pull out in front of me and give me the finger, using the medium of "horn and flashing headlight"^*.

Whether I would have been so keen to debate the pros and cons of pulling out in front of a car with dubious maintenance, brakes and being driven by a psychotic son of Somerset with a complete stranger, had a particular item on "Newsbeat" not enraged me so, is debatable^**.


Counsellors call for more help for 'gaming addicts'

Addiction counsellors have told Newsbeat they're seeing more cases of people worried about being hooked on playing video games.

There are now calls for the gaming industry to offer more support to people who can't switch off.

"Use the On/Off button." Shortest pamphlet ever.

Technology or computer addiction isn't officially recognised as a clinical condition.

Because it isn't one.

But the group representing games companies admits there needs to be more research into the problem.

Groan.

20-year-old Joe Staley from Nottingham says he didn't know where to go for help when he got hooked on console games.

He ended up hundreds of pounds of debt (sic) and dropped out of university: "I know it's an addiction because I can't go a day without gaming.

"Even if it's a flash game on the internet, I can't physically say, 'I'm not going to play anything today'."

Does anyone else want to slap this mouth breather? Joe, listen, your problem is not that you're addicted to video games. Your problem is that you are a moron.

Treatment

Peter Smith is a counsellor at Broadway Lodge in Weston-Super-Mare, Somerset, which started offering residential treatment for computer addiction last year.

He told Newsbeat: "Most of the people that are getting into difficulties tend to be in their teenage years and early 20s.”

And they've not been told to 'turn that bloody thing off and go outside and play' by their parents.

"As that generation moves through and others come on behind, I think the problem is going to get bigger."

People who stay at Broadway Lodge will normally have to pay, although the Department of Health says GPs are able to prescribe treatment for an addiction problem if they think it is serious enough.

I’m sure they are.

Peter says some gamers are showing symptoms similar to gambling addicts or alcoholics.

He thinks there could be a video gaming equivalent of GamCare, a charity funded by gambling companies which offers counselling to people who can't stop betting.

Phillip Hodson, from the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy, told Newsbeat: "The video games industry, which is worth billions globally, should research the 'addictive' impact of games playing on the health and social welfare of subscribers while offering counselling support for those who are clearly adversely affected."

Did anyone else translate that as "We have discovered a hitherto unclassified form of Victim Bingo and want taxpayer and private sector cash to celebrate creating non-jobs where there were no non-jobs before!" or was that just me?

Emotive'

Andy Payne is chairman of UKIE, the trade organisation for the video games industry.

Go on Andy, tell 'em to do one!

He insists they're taking the issues seriously but says there's lots of evidence too about the positive effects of playing games.

It’s fun?

He told Newsbeat: "The word 'addiction' is quite emotive. If we're talking about clinical addiction, proven to be something that people want as a dependency, then we have to look at the evidence and the research."

Andy reckons the industry should be willing to pay for more research into the harm that games can cause: "I do think we need more research and we're very open into receiving that. Let's be open and see what's out there.

"If people are finding they've got problems in their lives, and we can help solve those problems, then we should be able to do something positive about it."

Oh Andy, say it aint so! You're listening to these modern day charlatans? Playing video games is nothing like taking smack, crack or thwack^*** in the slightest. For a start, no trip, buzz or high has a pause button.

Dinner getting cold? Hit pause.

The phone ringing? Hit pause.

Bills need paying? Hit pause and go to work.

No such option available if you need to sober up in a hurry, is there now?

When I used to smoke, I would get through 2ounces of baccy in a week. I was fully aware that I was addicted and I would go out for a fag every hour. When it gets to the point that the act of rolling a fag gets you out of breath, that's a pretty big clue that you may need to at least cut back a bit.

I love playing golf but due to work and money restraints I can only get out on the course every so often. It doesn’t mean I’m addicted because I’m not doing it as much as I like. I also would be told to take a long walk off a short pier if I were to ask the golfing industry to help me with my addiction.

It's amazing to me, in this most technologically advanced point in human history, that this idiocy is not only being countenanced, but given air time too. The response to any person's assertion that they couldn't put the joystick down long enough to finish their degree, hold down a job or whatever else they needed to do, should equivocally not be "He's got an addiction and we need to help him." It should be a clip round the ear followed a resounding GROW UP!

It doesn't matter what you do for your jollies, it has to be paid for.

Apparently Tiger Woods is addicted to having sex with beautiful women. You can call it an addiction if you like Tiger, I won't be paying for it through my tax contributions. You will be paying though. You aint tapping that fit ex-missus of yours anymore and dude, she is going to take you to the cleaners in a very big, very expensive and very public way.

Sounds fair enough to me, that balances does it not?

As for drugs, alcohol and cigarettes, the only person capable of deciding how much and for how long you're willing to pay, is you. Or at least, it should be only you that makes that decision.

Video game addiction?

That's got to be the laziest excuse I've ever heard.




^*It's a universal language that can mean "Alright Dave! Look, I'm in a car!" to "You utter &$%^$~#@ **** what the **** do you think you're ******* doing you dozy ******* **** stain on the linen of life?!"

^**More than likely.

^***Thwack is the street name for a drug so addictive it makes Heroin look like Haribo and certainly NOT a piece of slang invented by me purely to aid some alliteration that was going nowhere. You wait till the tabloids hear about
it...